


Deuce Dads, or How I Met Your Father: A Romance in Three Acts.

by k_rose_m (Flipkat)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dark Past, Ice Cream, M/M, Marriage, Parenthood, Plushies, Romance, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-06
Updated: 2013-12-16
Packaged: 2017-12-10 13:17:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/786448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flipkat/pseuds/k_rose_m
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I’ve seen plenty of AUs where Sollux has two dads, most often The Ψiioniic and Clubs Deuce. But how the heck did those two even get together, let alone decide to raise a kid?</p><p> </p><p>Also found on the kink meme at http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/39135.html?thread=43466975#cmt43466975.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Act 1: Love

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE  
 _Interior of an ice cream parlor, midafternoon. THE ΨIIONIC is seated facing the door at a booth in the back, eating a sundae. CLUBS DEUCE approaches, carrying a double-sprinkle cone. Both men wear short sleeves: a T-shirt for Ψ and a button-down shirt for CD._  
CD: You’re cute! Mind if I sit with you?  
 _Ψ looks up midbite, surprised; he glances around to make sure he’s the one being addressed. Slowly, he removes the spoon from his mouth and sets it back in the dish. He regards CD skeptically._  
Ψ: _(Incredulous)_ ...Are you _theriously_ trying to pick up guyth in an _ithe cream shop?_  
CD: Not guys! Just you!  
Ψ: _(Unconvinced)_ Uh huh.  
CD: _(Warming to subject)_ I see you come here a lot, and I noticed you’re always alone, and you always get the Two-Tone Banana Split!  
Ψ: _(Less aloof)_ Uh huh…  
CD: So, I was planning to buy you one the next time you came in, but you’re already here! And since I’d made up my mind to talk to you anyway, I figured, “Why not?”  
Ψ: _(A bit flustered)_ Well, ain’t that thweet! _(points as a distraction)_ Your ithe cream’th melting.  
CD: Eep! _(Licks cone quickly and enthusiastically; sucks melted ice cream off fingers)_  
Ψ: _(Watching with interest)_ Huhhh.  
CD: _(Looks up at him again)_ What?  
Ψ: Oh, nothing. _(Smirks)_ Jutht…maybe you’re _on_ to thomething, with the ithe cream shop idea. _(Gestures to the empty side of the booth as he picks up his spoon again)_ You might ath well thit down.  
CD: Thanks! _(Sits down facing Ψ)_

-SOME TIME LATER-  
 _Both ice creams are gone; the two men are still seated at the booth. Ψ occasionally gestures with his spoon to emphasize a point._  
Ψ: Hold on, really? Your name ith _honethtly_ “Deuthe?”  
CD: Yep! I was the second kid!  
Ψ: _(Glances around briefly for hidden cameras; makes up his mind and turns back to CD, looking resolute)_ Lithten, I can’t help but feel thith might be fate.  
CD: Really? Does that mean we can do this again sometime?  
Ψ: _(A bit taken aback)_ Uh… _(Takes a deep breath)_ Sure, why not!  
CD: _(Beaming)_ Terrific! I’ll call you! _(Pauses suddenly, looking confused)_ Er… _what_ should I call you?  
Ψ: Call me, um… _(Runs his hands through his hair in frustration, and sighs)_  
CD: …Call you “Sigh?”  
Ψ: _(Alarmed)_ No! _(Reaches a decision)_ Call me Mitt. All my friends do.  
 _He extends a hand toward CD, who takes it in both of his own and shakes it eagerly._  
CD: Nice to meet you, Mitt!

 

ACT ONE, SCENE TWO  
 _Interior of THE ΨIIONIC’s apartment, evening. Ψ is sitting on the couch, typing on a laptop. In front of him is a coffee table covered in stacks of paper. CLUBS DEUCE is standing nearby, waving his arms as he speaks. Both wear long sleeves: a dress shirt for CD and something more casual for Ψ._  
CD: _(Unhappily)_ But you promised we could go out tonight!  
Ψ: I’m thorry, babe, I jutht got thith big project in, and it’th a rush job, and the pay wath too good to turn down... _(Looks apologetically at CD, who droops noticeably, pouting.)_ Nektht weekend, I thwear.  
CD: _(Hurt)_ But you said that _last_ weekend!  
Ψ: _(Very regretfully)_ Yeah... _(Looks away, rubbing his head in frustration)_  
CD: _Didn’t you want to come see our new club? It’s just opened!_  
Ψ: _(Stares at screen for a moment more before slamming laptop shut)_ Ah, fuck it. _(Swats half-heartedly at a pile of papers)_ I can do thith shit in the morning. Let’th go danthing.  
CD: _(Jumps with excitement)_ Hooray!  
 _They get their coats and exit._

-FOUR HOURS LATER-  
 _The two men are twirling on the dance floor; Ψ has a deer-in-the-headlights look and CD is joyfully oblivious_  
Ψ: DEAR LORD, I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGTH.  
CD: Wheeeee!

-THE NEXT DAY-  
 _Interior of THE ΨIIONIC’s apartment, morning. Ψ is lounging on the sofa in sleepwear, soaking his feet in a tub while he talks on his cell phone. CLUBS DEUCE’S voice is audible on the other end, but only enough to make out the tone, which is generally enthused and interested._  
Ψ: _(Tiredly)_ No, I had fun! Really! You’re a great danther. I should take lethonth tho I can keep up.  
CD: --------?  
Ψ: _(Encouragingly)_ Yeah, we should go again thometime! _(Reconsiders)_ Not right away, though. Maybe…nektht month?  
CD: ------------?!  
Ψ: _(Hurriedly)_ Oh, no, no, no, you don’t have to wait, we could totally get together before then! Like, get dinner or thomething. Maybe thee a movie. 

-AN HOUR LATER-  
Ψ: _(Rambling with passion, but no urgency)_ …No, man, I’m _telling_ you, _The Matrikth_ wath _groundbreaking_ , all right? Like, the theminal movie of my generation…  
CD: --------?  
Ψ: …Well, all right, I gueth it probably doeth have a lot to do with me being an imprethionable teenager when it came out. _(Laughs)_ I wath thuch a rebel in high thchool, you don’t even know…  
CD: ---? ----------!  
Ψ: _(Sits up straighter)_ Wait, what? You were in _college?!_  
CD: ------!  
Ψ: Holy _shit,_ you’re _older than me!_  
 _CD’s tone turns reproachful._  
CD: -----!  
Ψ: _(Instantly apologetic)_ No, man, I’m thorry, I didn’t mean to imply-  
CD: ----! ------?  
Ψ: No, honetht, it’th not jutht becauthe you’re short-  
CD: -----?  
Ψ: _(More and more frantic)_ It’th becauthe – you _act_ young, all right? You’re always laughing, and you’re thilly and funny…  
CD: ----?!  
Ψ: _(Desperately)_ No, it’th not a _bad_ thing! You’re – young at _heart_. And you’re fun to be with. Really!  
 _CD’s tone becomes more relaxed._  
CD: ---? --------?  
Ψ: _(Relieved)_ It doethn’t bother me, honetht. I wath jutht thurprithed. I mean, I didn’t even know you _went_ to college.  
CD: ---! ---------!  
Ψ: An oboe thcholarship? Really? I’ll have to hear you play thometime…  
CD: -------?  
Ψ: Oh, me? I did ThiTech for the computer program, you know… _(He gestures vaguely at his laptop, which lies abandoned among the papers on the table or floor, obviously untouched since last night, as he slumps back on the couch again.)_

 

ACT ONE, SCENE THREE  
 _Interior of a nice restaurant, late evening. THE ΨIIONIC and CLUBS DEUCE are eating dinner at a booth near the kitchen. Ψ, again sitting facing the door, is wearing a flannel shirt open to show a T-shirt, and CD is wearing a sport coat over a dress shirt. The front door opens, and SPADES SLICK, DIAMONDS DROOG, and HEARTS BOXCARS walk in. Ψ looks up and sees them; he frowns, and reaches for CD’s hand._  
Ψ: Don’t look now, but thome rough-looking typeth just came in. I think if we leave the money on the table, we thtill have time to thneak out the thide door by the bathroomth –  
CD: Really? _(Cranes neck to look over shoulder)_ Oh! _(Waves arm and shouts)_ Hey guys, over here!  
 _Ψ groans, hiding his face in his hands._  
CD: _(Turns back to Ψ)_ Those’re friends of mine! I told my bandmates we were dating, and they all insisted on meeting you!  
Ψ: _(Groaning)_ My life is _hell_ …  
 _SS, DD, and HB approach the booth, trapping Ψ and CD inside. As CD cheerfully greets his friends, SS throws an arm around Ψ, and speaks quietly into his ear._  
SS: _(Sneering and hissing)_ Listen, I’m sure you’re a real nice guy and all. And you got a good thing goin’ here, sure. I get that. But I just wanna give you a word a warnin’: if you break Deuce’s heart, I’m gonna break _you_ , knowhat’msayin’? _(Cracks knuckles)_  
Ψ: _(sweating nervously)_ My life is _OVER_ …  
DD: _(Smooth and relaxed)_ What my esteemed associate is intimating is merely that we wish the best for you both. I would implore you not to take this relationship lightly, as Deuce is very dear to all of us, and we don’t want to see him get hurt, that’s all.  
CD: Aw, shucks! Thanks, you guys!  
HB: _(Loudly)_ SO DIDJA KISS THE BOY ALREADY?!?  
 _Ψ buries his face in his hands again, blushing furiously, as diners at nearby tables titter._

_ACT ONE, SCENE FOUR  
 _THE ΨIIONIC and CLUBS DEUCE are cuddling on a sofa or plush rug in front of a crackling fireplace. Both men are wearing fuzzy sweaters; Ψ’s is a plain dark color, and CD’s is as garish as possible, possibly including glitter, pompoms, lights, and occasional bursts of music. He may also being wearing some form of holiday headgear, such as a Santa hat or antlers. Sentimental tunes play in the background.__  
Ψ: _(Breaking the companionable silence)_ You know what I jutht realithed?  
CD: What?  
Ψ: Thith ith the firtht holiday theathon when I haven’t been alone in…gosh, yearth and yearth!  
 _Ψ snuggles happily up to CD. After a long, quiet moment, CD sniffles; Ψ becomes concerned._  
Ψ: Deuthe, what’s wrong, honey?  
CD: _(Tearfully attempts a smile)_ Nothing, it’s just, something in my eye, er, maybe it’s the music?  
Ψ: No, really, what ith it? Ith it thomething I thaid?  
CD: _(Wringing his hands)_ No! Well, maybe yes! I - just can’t help thinking of you being all sad and lonely by yourself, all those other times!  
Ψ: _(Anxiously)_ It’th all right now, though, right? I’m here! You don’t have to feel thorry for me, I’m not lonely _now!_  
 _CD begins blubbering quietly into his sleeve._  
Ψ: _(Flails, growing more desperate with every word)_ Aagh, no, don’t cry! Pleathe! I’ll buy you an ithe cream! No, a fanthy dinner! No, a new hat! No, a _wedding ring!_  
CD: _(Looks up at him, smiling through tears)_ Really?  
Ψ: Uh… _(Realizes he meant it, continues boldly)_ …Yeah! Let’th get married. I think the time ith-  
CD: _(Interrupting)_ I’m so HAPPY!  
 _He throws himself into Ψ’s arms, cutting him off as he speaks._  
Ψ: – WHOAH! 


	2. Act Two: Marriage

ACT TWO, SCENE ONE  
 _Interior of a well-lit dressing room. THE ΨIIONIC, dressed impeccably in a white tuxedo with matching bow tie and top hat, is fussing fretfully over his appearance in a full-length mirror. CLUBS DEUCE knocks on the door._  
CD: Knock knock!  
Ψ: _(Distractedly)_ Come in!  
CD: Are you dressed yet?  
Ψ: _(Tugging unnecessarily at his tie)_ I’ve been drethed for an hour. Thith collar remainth thtrangely non-itchy.  
CD: See, we _told_ you good tailoring makes a difference!  
Ψ: Yeah, yeah… _(Gives up fiddling with his clothes, and sighs)_ You coming in or what?  
CD: Oh, wait! Maybe I shouldn’t yet! Isn’t it bad luck for us to see each other?  
Ψ: What? No! _(Snorts)_ You silly.  
CD: _(Opens door a crack and peeks through)_ You’re sure?  
Ψ: Yeth, I’m sure! That’th only for brideth.  
CD: _(Throws door open and leaps into room; he’s dressed the same as Ψ)_ Hooray!  
 _Behind him, SPADES SLICK, DIAMONDS DROOG, and HEARTS BOXCARS enter, dressed in soft grey suits. Words and/or waves of greeting are exchanged. SS flops on the nearest piece of furniture, but gets up and moves around, fidgety, whenever someone gets too close. HB sticks close by CD. DD drifts through the room from person to person._  
Ψ: It’th tho thtrange to thee you guyth not wearing black. _(Turns back to the mirror with a dissatisfied look)_  
DD: To a _wedding_? How gauche. Now stop fussing with your clothes. _(Begins fussing with Ψ’s clothes)_  
Ψ:I can’t help it! _(Takes off his hat and starts turning it around in his hands.)_ What if thomething goeth wrong? What if _everything_ goeth wrong? What if everything goeth _right_ and I’m paralythed with fear jutht _waiting_ for thomething to go wrong…  
 _Ψ attempts to chew nervously on his knuckles, or possibly his hat brim, but DD pries the hat from his grasp and plops it neatly back on his head_  
SS: _(With an air of finality)_ Don’t _worry_ about it, kid! You’ve come this far, it’s almost over. And for how much hassle it’s been getting you two here, let me tell you, you are _getting_ married today if I have to kidnap the damn priest and hold him at knifepoint.  
Ψ: _(Relaxes minutely)_ That’th…kind of oddly reathuring? Thankth.  
DD: My, you’re twitchy today. Were you planning to kidnap the entire wedding party and all the guests, as well? We promised them a ceremony, after all, and it would be a shame to waste the reception on an elopement.  
SS: Feh! Like there’s anyone coming I give a shit about.  
DD: _(Delicately)_ Oh, surely there must be someone there you’re looking forward to seeing…the caterer, perhaps?  
SS: _(Heatedly)_ Hey! You lay offa Miz P!  
DD: _(Soothing)_ No offense meant, of course. She does an excellent spread. Indeed, that’s one of the reasons we chose her.  
HB: Well, _I’m_ sure lookin’ forward to that part! But first, I gotta… _(Sniffles, face falling)_ …gotta say goodbye…  
CD: _(Puzzled)_ But we’re only moving across town!  
 _(HB sweeps CD up into a crushing hug with one arm, and with the other, begins dabbing at his eyes.)_  
SS: Aw, knock it off, ya big sap!  
HB: _(Choked up)_ I can’t help it! It still doesn’t feel real!  
CD: _(Patting his shoulder reassuringly)_ It’ll feel real enough when we get to the reception! Did you see that cake? And you promised you’d dance with me, right?  
Ψ: I gotta admit, I’m kinda looking forward to _theeing_ that, at least.  
DD: _(Refolding and replacing SS’s pocket handkerchief)_ Don’t worry, we’ll take pictures. And you get to dance with him too, you know? Both of them, if you want.  
Ψ: _(Nervously)_ Er, right.  
HB: _(Sets CD down and wrings his hanky)_ You gettin’ married - I just can’t _believe_ it, bro!  
Ψ: _(Surprised)_ Wait, you two…?  
CD: Oh! I never told you we were brothers?  
Ψ: Well, I knew you were clothe… _(Considers)_ Deuthe, you’re older, right?  
HB: _(Sniffling and wiping his eyes)_ Yeah, he’s my big bro. The best there is!  
 _CD beams proudly._  
Ψ: _(Glances between them)_ Yeah, I gueth I can thee the rethemblanthe… _(Pauses awkwardly)_ You’re going to tell me you’re adopted, now, aren’t you.  
CD: Not exactly! He’s kind of like my half-brother, only it’s _both_ halves?  
Ψ: …You know, I think I’ll wait and figure it out another time.  
HB: _(Composing himself)_ So, didja tell ‘im about all our family traditions yet?  
CD: Ooohh! I forgot about the family traditions!  
HB: Better fill ‘im in, then.  
CD: _(Excitedly)_ Right! So, first, you need to get a hat!  
Ψ: Hat… _(Rolls eyes upward)_ Check.  
CD: And, always have a backup hat for candy storage!  
Ψ: …Er?  
HB: We wear a lotta black, but I guess that ain’t strictly required. I got some ceremonial robes if you want somethin’ with more color.  
Ψ: Uh…okay…  
CD: Make sure your hideouts have more than one exit!  
HB: Naw, that ain’t a tradition, that’s a new one.  
DD: _(Dusting off HB’s lapels)_ Well, I certainly hope you’re not planning to make him take up an instrument.  
CD: Ooh! He could replace our old trombone player!  
HB: Speakin’ a which, you gotta get proficient with a bludgeoning weapon.  
CD: _(Carried away)_ And all dark magic rites must be performed during the new moon!  
DD: _(Quietly, while mopping Ψ’s brow)_ They’re joking; we don’t do either of those regularly anymore.  
Ψ: _(Helplessly)_ Er, well, that’s good, I gueth… Wait, are you related to them too?!  
DD: Not so much. Jack and I just got our traditions rolled into theirs when we all joined forces.  
SS: _(Snarks loudly while lounging on fainting couch)_ You guys’re forgettin’ the most important one about havin’ weird interests an’ leavin’ your bizarre pornography lyin’ around!  
Ψ: _(Overwhelmed)_ Wait, ith that one a “yeth” or a “no?”

-A LITTLE LATER-  
Ψ: _(Collapses onto couch, fiddling with hat)_ A lot of thethe “family traditionth” thound kind of pointleth and embarrathing. _(Glances around nervously)_ Or ith that jutht me?  
SS: _(Throws arm around Ψ’s shoulder)_ Listen, kid, the whole “point” of family _is_ to embarrass you. That’s what they’re _for._  
CD: Oh! I remembered another one: On special occasions, when everyone sits down for a meal together, instead of saying grace, you jump up and run around the table!  
SS: _(Dismissive)_ Ahh, don’t believe it, that one’s just _him_.  
DD: _(Straightening CD’s tie)_ Actually, if you’ll recall, you two did exactly that at our last gathering, but only because the dog had stolen his hamburger.  
SS: _(Shrugs)_ All right, so maybe chasin’ Deuce ain’t the smartest way to make ‘im stop runnin’ around. At least the dog got fed, right? And we got’m another burger afterwards. _(Turns back to Ψ)_ Like I was sayin’ about family, kid. You can’t choose _all_ of ‘em, so you gotta make do.  
Ψ: _(Hesistant)_ Tho you jutht…make up traditionth on the fly? Like, ath you need them?  
 _(He looks around at them, realization slowly dawning)_  
Ψ: Tho it’th like…family, then. You make what you need.  
SS: _(Genuinely smiling and not sneering for once)_ Hey, kid, you _got_ it! _(Slaps Ψ’s back firmly)_ Now let’s get you two mugs _married_ already!  
Ψ: And then…  
HB: Food!  
DD: Photos!  
CD: _Dancing!_  
SS: All that, and you get to unwrap your gifts, too.  
 _(SS looks significantly at CD, then back at Ψ, waggling his eyebrows; Ψ attempts to hide his blush in his hat as they exit.)_

 

ACT TWO, SCENE TWO  
 _Exterior of a nondescript city building – brick, concrete, glass; there is occasional traffic noise in the background. THE ΨIIONIC waits, lounging against the wall, wearing a sport coat over a T-shirt. CLUBS DEUCE joins him, wearing a T-shirt over a sport coat._  
Ψ: _(Smiling as CD approaches)_ Well, don’t _you_ look ready for our date!  
CD: Buddy wouldn’t let me leave the club wearing this, so I had to sneak it out under my hat!  
Ψ: _(Amused)_ We’ll find the right look eventually, and then he’ll _have_ to give in. How about wearing the jacketth toga-thtyle, nektht time?  
CD: Good idea! He says the off-the-shoulder look is “in!”  
Ψ: _(Haltingly, then with more confidence)_ …He… probably meant for dretheth, but I’ve jutht realithed, I don’t care.  
CD: So, where are we going today?  
Ψ: _(Grandly)_ We’ll do my very own gourmet tour of town! Thtarting at eleven, the bakery on the corner of Cherry and Main giveth away their unthold day-old pathtrieth. To go with it, the uthed car dealership a block away doeth a dethent cup of free coffee.  
CD: Ooh!  
Ψ: From there, we’ll catch the midtown buth – or walk, it’th only ten blockth to the MegaMart. The thample thtationth thtart up around noon or a little before, refresh every fifteen to twenty minuteth, and run until two. And if you’re thtill hungry, there’th a hot dog cart accroth the thtreet that doeth a one-dollar thpecial from two to three!  
CD: Yum!  
Ψ:And for dethert…  
CD and Ψ: _(Together)_ Ice cream!  
Ψ: Of course, we alwayth finish with ithe cream. _(Cautiously)_ But how do you feel about frothen yogurt?  
CD: _(Clutches hat and screeches, wide-eyed)_ _Sacrilege!_  
Ψ: No, hear me out! There’s thith new thelf-therve fro-yo thundae bar downtown, only fifty thentth an ounthe, running a two-for-one thpecial today! I figured we could try it out, and then get ithe cream after.  
CD: Well, I guess we don’t _always_ have to get ice cream at the same place, right?  
Ψ: But I like that plathe! It’th got great ratingth, not to mention _(winking at Deuce)_ romantic memorieth, _and_ a back door.  
CD: …Are you sure this counts as a “lunch date?”  
Ψ: _(A bit embarrassed)_ Well, you wanted to know what I uthed to eat for lunch, right? Tho I figured it’d be eathier to jutht show you. It wath thith or packaged noodleth, and my old pot won’t fit two packth at onthe.  
CD: Oh, it’s not that! I just thought multiple courses was more of a “dinner date” thing, you know?  
Ψ: _(With relief)_ I know! We’re tho thwank.  
 _They giggle together._

 

ACT TWO, SCENE THREE  
 _Interior of a swinging jazz club. THE ΨIIONIC sits, as always, facing the door to the street, but with a view of the nearby stage as well, where the MIDNIGHT CREW have just finished their set. He lifts his eyes and hands from his laptop to applaud, and gives a small wave in response to CLUBS DEUCE’s cheery one as the band troops through the performer’s door behind him. Another group takes the stage and starts tuning up. Moments later, DIAMONDS DROOG reemerges, approaches Ψ’s table, and sits down next to him. Ψ startles a bit, gives him a quick grin, and goes back to typing on his laptop._  
DD: _(Coolly)_ Can we talk?  
Ψ: _(Looks up, nonchalant)_ I gueth. What about?  
DD: Your old – ah - _exploits._  
 _DD pulls out and unfolds a sheet of paper, flashing it at Ψ; it appears to be a printout of an online tech/geek forum thread. Ψ’s eyes widen and his face pales; he makes an aborted grab for the paper as DD calmly refolds and returns it to his pocket, then glances wildly around the room as though expecting armed thugs. The band on stage launches into a loud, showy number._  
DD: I have a confession to make. When I learned about your online reputation, I thought I heard your imitators referred to as “scions” – your spawn.  
 _Ψ makes frantic “shushing” motions with both hands._  
DD: Likewise, your old moniker. Initially, I was under the impression that you’d merely misspelled “spy,” and not noticed until it was too late. Then I was thrown off by the numerous variant spellings your name went through – some unintentional, I believe, propagated only by your fans.  
Ψ: _(Distraught, speaking under his breath)_ Can we _pleathe_ not be talking about thith in public.  
DD: I’m not much of a science fiction fan, so you can excuse my confusion, yes? And don’t worry, no one will hear us over the band.  
 _Ψ buries his head in his hands for several breaths. DD waits patiently until he re-emerges._  
Ψ: _(With fatalistic calm)_ I alwayth knew thith day would come in the middle of the night.  
DD: Technically, I think that’s how all days arrive.  
Ψ: _(Looks around warily)_ All right. You didn’t call a thquadron, so I’m guething you want to keep thith quiet. _(Stands up)_ I’ll jutht pack up my laptop and walk out that door, and you’ll never thee or hear from me again, I promithe. _(His voice breaks)_ Jutht…tell Deuthe…tell him I’m thorry, okay?  
DD: No.  
Ψ: _(Choked up)_ Oh. You think…maybe it’th better if he thinkth I jutht went mithing, inthtead of leaving? Tho he can thtill hope?  
DD: _(Placidly)_ No, I mean both methods are _totally unacceptable_ , because Deuce would cry either way. You _were_ warned about breaking his heart, if you’ll recall. _(Gestures at Ψ’s abandoned chair)_ Please, sit. I just want to have a talk with you.  
 _Ψ flops back into his chair, looking bewildered._  
DD: Let me be honest: we’ve…well, _most_ of us have had our suspicions about you from the start. Even after you got to know us, you remained unnaturally twitchy, like you were expecting your doom to come knocking at your door any moment.  
Ψ: _(With a bitter laugh)_ Heh. And now you can thee why, right? _(Sighs, leaning his head on his hands)_ So much for my attempt at a normal, “happily married” life. It wath nithe while it lathted.  
DD: _(Surprised)_ You’re not _still_ thinking of walking away? But what possible reason could there _be_ at this point? Show some sense!  
Ψ: _(Looks up hopefully)_ Do you mean…Deuthe doethn’t know yet?  
DD: _(Shakes his head)_ Do you think if he knew, he’d be able to hide it from you? You aren’t the first person I’ve shared my findings with. But unless it became necessary, he would be among the last.  
Ψ: Tho…how long have _you_ known?  
DD: Hardly any time at all, or I would have brought it up sooner. _(Nonchalant shrug)_ Your skill in hiding your past has outmatched our sleuthing skills until now. Typically, our limited technical savvy would be no match for your sophistication, but persistence does pay off.  
Ψ: _(Humorless laugh)_ Heh. I kinda _figured_ you were the type who’d want a background check before letting me join the family.  
DD: _(Inclines head in agreement)_ Well, we did push back the date once, but it seemed unnecessarily cruel to continue delaying your wedding on a mere suspicion of a suspicion.  
Ψ: _(Tugging at his sleeve unconsciously)_ I can’t be too mad about that. Thothe thuitth _were_ really sharp, and way better than the rent-a-tukth I would’ve had otherwithe.  
DD: _(Shuddering)_ I should hope _so._ _(Pulls self together as Ψ rambles on)_  
Ψ: I’ve been trying to keep a low profile for yearth; I think that wath the motht public event I’ve attended in a long time. _(Slumps)_ Even if you don’t want me out of the picture, I would totally underthtand if you felt the need to dithtanthe yourthelveth from me now…like, all of you, I mean. _(Sighs unhappily)_ Deuthe included.  
DD: _(Gives a discreet, embarrassed cough into his hand)_ Ahem. Actually, I highly doubt that our reputations would suffer measurably simply from being connected to yours, even were _this (patting the pocket with the paper in it)_ to come to light.  
Ψ: _(Side-eyes him suspiciously)_ Are you saying…  
DD: _(Interrupts) Really_ , I’ve no wish to go dredging up anyone’s sordid past right now, least of all the Crew’s. _(He steeples his fingers and chooses his next words with care and deliberation.)_ Might I simply suggest that your initial impressions of us were not _totally_ off the mark?  
Ψ: _(Blinks, leans forward suddenly)_ Wait, tho you guyth really _are…?_  
DD: _(Holds a finger to his lips, eyes twinkling mischievously)_ Shh.  
Ψ: _(Flops back in chair, disbelieving)_ Oh my god. _(Sits up straighter with sudden clarity)_ Deuthe…  
DD: _(Makes a quick chopping motion with one hand to cut him off)_ We’ve…kept him out of it, as much as we could. As far as he’s concerned, it’s all an act. _(Shakes his head at Ψ’s plaintive look)_ I’m sorry. I’ve never been sure how much he really knows or understands of our… _other_ activities. However, it’s probably more than he knows about _you._ Another good reason not to go blabbing about our backgrounds.  
Ψ: _(Cautiously)_ Tho…what are you propothing, ekthactly?  
DD: _(Spreads hands)_ Simply a pact of mutual protection, that’s all. I’m certain our help – experience with the kinds of folks you’re dealing with, influence both physical and political, not to speak of our cash reserves – would be quite valuable in tackling your little “problem.” Even head-on, if necessary, though of course I’d prefer to be more discreet.  
Ψ: And in return…  
DD: You’ll…maintain our online brand, so to speak. You may need to…alter or erase some records that might be deemed unfavorable to us. _(Tips head toward Ψ meaningfully)_ You understand?  
Ψ: _(Slowly)_ Yeth…if you can get me actheth to the thythtemth, it should be doable…a _lot_ of agenthieth are thtill uthing infrathtructureth programmed _decadeth_ ago, can you believe it? Doethn’t interfathe with the new thecurity thtuff hardly at _all_.  
DD: _(Nods)_ It may take some time to get you in, that’s all. And of course you could use what you’d learned to go further in your own personal quest – you’re embedded more deeply in the net than we are.  
 _CD pops up next to the table suddenly, having approached from the performer’s door behind HEARTS BOXCARS, who continues to the bar for a drink. Ψ jumps, startled._  
CD: Hey guys! What’re you two talking about?  
DD: _(Casually)_ Oh, we were just discussing hiring him on for a job. _(Extends a hand toward Ψ, palm up, while looking at CD)_ _Did_ you know, he’s a cybersecurity expert?  
CD: Wow! Really?  
Ψ: _(Nervous hysteria)_ AhhaHAHAhaHAHahahaha!  
 _Luckily, his laughter is drowned out by applause as the band wraps up their number with a big flourish._  
Ψ: _(Regaining control)_ Yeah. You could thay that.  
DD: _(Continues smoothly)_ So, I was speaking to him of certain… _vulnerabilities_ that ought to be addressed. The sooner, the better.  
Ψ: Don’t worry, we’re on the thame page there. _(Runs a hand through his hair with a look of resignation)_ You’re right; it’th patht time it wath dealt with.  
DD: And of course, you’ll have our full support in whatever needs to be done.  
Ψ: _(Exhales shakily)_ I’m…in your debt, I gueth.  
 _(They shake hands to seal the deal.)_  
CD: _(Confused)_ But, wouldn’t _we_ be paying _you?_

 

ACT TWO, SCENE FOUR  
 _Interior of a nice apartment, daytime. THE ΨIIONIC and CLUBS DEUCE are seated at a table to one side of a combined living-dining room; a sofa and end table take up most of the other side. There is an outside door on one side of the room, a open doorway to a kitchenette on the other, and a hallway in the back. Ψ is wearing casual slacks or jeans and a T-shirt. During this scene, he should change his shirt several times; if this is not possible, the shirt should get progressively more rumpled and stained. CD wears his typical black suit, variously with or without the jacket and tie. Ψ is working on his laptop, and CD is reading the newspaper or a book. Suddenly, Ψ slams his laptop shut and pushes it away._  
Ψ: Gah. Thith ith hopeleth.  
CD: _(Leaning in to give him a quick smooch)_ What’re you up to that’s got you so upset?  
Ψ: _(Sighing)_ I’ve thtarted working on that project for the Crew. You know, the one we were talking about in the club? And I think I’ve hit a wall. _(Bonks himself on the head with a fist)_ Agh, thith ith too _important_ for me to thcrew it up now!  
 _Ψ pushes the laptop away in order to lean his elbows on the table and rest his head in his hands._  
CD: _(Getting up)_ At times like this, you need some old-fashioned stress relief!  
 _CD scoots down the hall into the bedroom; moments later, Ψ watches quizzically as he emerges carrying a much-loved stuffed bear, which he proceeds to plop directly into Ψ’s arms._  
CD: Here! Try out my old bear! Hugging him always makes _me_ feel better!  
 _Ψ grumbles, but gives the bear a tentative hug._  
CD: Is it helping?  
Ψ: _(Reluctantly, still grumpy)_ …A little, maybe. _(Pulls his laptop closer with fresh determination)_ All right, I’m gonna do what I can.  
CD: _That’s_ the spirit!

-SOME DAYS LATER-  
 _Ψ is flopped on the couch on his stomach, holding a throw pillow over his head; he appears to be complaining to CD’s bear, who is propped on the table next to his laptop._  
Ψ: It’th never gonna work, I tell you…I can’t do it alone, and yet I _have_ to…  
 _CD appears in the doorway; his figure is dwarfed by the enormous teddy bear he’s carrying._  
CD: _(Panting and staggering under the bear’s weight)_ I’m back! You looked…stuck again, so I thought…since it’s a big job…you might need…something with more _power!_  
Ψ: _(Bemused, letting pillow fall off his head)_ What, like…hug power? The thmaller bear’th run out of hugth?  
CD: Exactly! It’s getting pretty old, so I thought maybe I’ve used most of it up by now? And also, you deserve to have your own!  
Ψ: _(Gets up and starts examining the new bear)_ Wow, thith ith _huge!_ Ith the amount of thtreth relief it provideth thuppothed to be proportional to the math, or to the volume, I wonder? _(Hauls bear back to sofa)_ Where did you even find it?  
CD: Well, you know that gift shop in the plaza?  
Ψ: _(Not really listening)_ It’th like a well of untapped potential…huh. _(Taps finger to his cheek thoughtfully)_ You know, I think you might be on to thomething with that “more power” idea.  
 _He loops an arm around the bear’s neck, sits back down, pulls his laptop over and starts typing. CD beams._

-MORE DAYS LATER-  
 _Ψ is rolling around moodily on the floor, curled up around the giant bear._  
Ψ: There’th jutht…I mean, it’th too _much!_ Where do I even _thtart?_ _(Moans and pummels the bear softly)_ Ahhhh, why wath I thuch an _idiot?_  
 _CD arrives, carrying a garishly-colored snake/lizard/monkey or similar. Ψ looks up and rolls away from the bear, grateful for the distraction_  
Ψ: Hey! Wow, ith there a carnival in town? I never had any luck with thothe kind of gameth.  
CD: Actually, this is from that place down on Fifth! You name it, they’ve got it!  
Ψ: _(Stroking the new plush mindlessly, lost in thought)_ Name…huh. I gueth I _could…?_  
 _He tapers off; his lips continue moving soundlessly for several moments before he picks up his laptop and sits down, looking firm. CD smiles and pats his head on his way toward the kitchen._

-YET MORE DAYS LATER-  
 _Ψ is seated on the sofa next to CD._  
Ψ: Argh! _(Shoves laptop away forcefully, begins tearing at his hair with both hands)_ I can’t do it after all! _(Kicks table with laptop on it in frustration, begins sulking)_ I give up, everyone go home.  
CD: Luckily, I am prepared for this eventuality!  
 _He ducks around the corner; there is the sound of a door opening and some rustling._  
Ψ: _(Mumbling to himself)_ There’s jutht no _way_ …there’s no previouth work I can _build_ on…it’th not gonna hit with the _impact_ I _need_ …  
 _CD reenters, carrying a googly-eyed, striped, winged monstrosity. Ψ breaks off his muttering to boggle at it._  
CD: _(Proudly)_ Behold!  
Ψ: _(Stunned)_ That…ith the _uglietht_ … _(Warming up to it)_ …wait, it’th a _bee_ , ithn’t it? _(Happily)_ I _love_ beeth!  
CD: Inspiringly cheerful looking, isn’t it? I found it at a craft fair!  
 _Ψ takes the plush toy from CD and hugs it, in a sunny mood once more. Suddenly he stops dead, staring at nothing._  
Ψ: Wait…beeth…hiveth…thwarmth. That’th _it!_  
 _Ψ tosses the toy aside as he grabs his laptop again and begins typing frantically; CD catches it neatly and sets it down beside him._  
Ψ: Bwahahaha! I’m a geniuth!  
CD: _(Fondly)_ I always knew it!

 

ACT TWO, SCENE FIVE  
 _Living room of the apartment; night. THE ΨIIONIC is lounging lengthwise on the couch, doing something on his laptop. His feet are drawn up onto the cushions, and his back leans against CLUBS DEUCE, who’s facing forward, reading or watching TV. The stuffed bee is perched on the arm or back of the sofa, near Ψ’s feet. Most of the lights are out, and the two look ready for bed: Ψ wears pajama pants or sweatpants, and CD is in a dressing gown._  
Ψ: _(Tenses with hand poised over keyboard, then relaxes, sighing)_ Damn, I’m gonna mith thome of thothe fan fictionth with me and Anonymouth. _(Presses a key)_  
CD: _(Turns and snuggles up behind him)_ What’cha doing?  
Ψ: Aw, jutht deleting an old account I don’t uthe anymore.  
 _They watch something running on his screen._  
Ψ: Man, thith ith thlow. Remind me to go shopping for a new laptop, tomorrow.  
CD: _(Points at screen)_ Well, it _is_ running that other program!  
Ψ: Oh yeah. Huh, gueth I’ve theeded long enough. _(He clicks at something for a bit.)_ There. That’th better. Jutht a little farewell for all my old friendth. They’ll path it on to the oneth who aren’t on yet.  
 _He settles back down into CD’s lap. After a few more moments, he moves the laptop to a nearby table and turns to start kissing CD._

-THE NEXT DAY-  
 _THE ΨIIONIC is seated on the same sofa, but has changed his clothes. A morning NEWS ANCHOR can be heard on a radio or TV facing him; he listens with one ear while blearily chewing buttered toast. CLUBS DEUCE bustles merrily around in the kitchen in the background; his clattering occasionally drowns out the broadcast._  
NA: …simply _amazing_ , unprecedented event…totally unforeseen… struck without warning, somehow managing to get past all known forms of defense…governments astounded…point of origin not established…transmitted virally, infecting whole networks and borrowing their processing power… appears to have been targeted at the _entire globe_ … authorities not calling it an _attack_ , per se…possibility of a prank gone awry…hailed by experts as a “brilliant piece of coding,” surpassing even what they’ve seen from the top minds in the military and intelligence agencies… potential for follow-up exploits seems small, as the numerous new security holes that were exposed are all being addressed simultaneously…extent is still unknown, but only _extremely minor_ losses have been reported thus far…still, people are being warned _not_ to run a file named “BICYCLE,” a.k.a. “The Psy-Killer,” although it is feared that the damage, such as it is, has already been done…vast majority of infected computers remain totally unharmed, but we spoke to one science fiction writer who claims to have lost “years worth of work” to the virus, and some online communities report massive numbers of posts gone missing…  
 _Ψ’s cell phone rings; as he answers it, SPADES SLICK’s voice interrupts his greeting._  
Ψ: H’lo?  
SS: Didja see they’re shippin’ you with that government whistleblower guy, now?  
 _Ψ does a slow, sideways faceplant into the couch._

 

ACT TWO, SCENE SIX  
 _Interior of the apartment. THE ΨIIONIC is regarding CLUBS DEUCE with fond exasperation as CD waves a pair of tickets around. Both are in short sleeves again; they seem to have settled on a half-casual style of golf polos._  
Ψ: _(Perplexed)_ Your idea of a movie date ith ticketth to the “Family Fun Film Fethtival?”  
CD: _(Bouncing)_ It’s a Disney retrospective this year! 48 hours of wholesome entertainment!  
Ψ: _(Unenthused)_ I dunno about this…  
CD: _(Vibrating with excitement)_ But but but! Mary Poppins! Lilo and Stich! _Finding Nemo!_  
Ψ: _(Sighs)_ All right, but nektht time, I get to thee a thuperhero flick, okay?  
CD: I think they might be screening The Incredibles?  
 _(CD fumbles with the schedule, trying to check; Ψ snorts out a laugh)_  
Ψ: What the heck! You got uth full actheth patheth, right? We might ath well get our money’th worth.

-FORTY-EIGHT STRAIGHT HOURS OF MOVIES LATER-  
 _Amidst a stream of exiting filmgoers, THE ΨIIONIC and CLUBS DEUCE stumble from the theater in rumpled clothes, wiping their eyes and noses. Ψ takes CD’s hand._  
Ψ: Deuthe, I… _He twines their fingers together._ …I want kidth.  
CD: _(Sniffling)_ Oh good! Me too!  
 _(They stagger off, hand in hand.)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My AU philosophy: If your Ψiioniic is a law-abiding citizen, you are _doing it wrong,_ potentially on both counts.


	3. Act Three: Baby Carriage

ACT THREE, SCENE ONE  
 _Interior of the performers’ prep room at the club, daytime, a few hours before it opens; the windows are either small and high up or nonexistent. SPADES SLICK is alternately fiddling with the knickknacks and staring at the framed photos on the walls of the Crew in their early days; he prowls around the room restlessly, like a trapped wild animal. THE ΨIIONIIC enters, looking unsure._  
Ψ: You wanted to talk with me about thomething?  
SS: Yeah. _(Turns away from whatever he’s fiddling with and lurks closer to Ψ_ ) I heard from Deuce you two are thinkin’ of adoptin’.  
Ψ: _(Nervously)_ Uh…yeah. That’th true.  
 _Ψ takes an involuntary step back as SS stalks right up into his space._  
SS: _(With undertones of concealed menace)_ Well. Let me be the first to congratulate you, then. I’d say “I hope you’re ready for it,” but you can never really be ready for an addition to the family.   
Ψ: _(Edging back)_ Er…tho I hear.  
SS: _(Grins hollowly)_ Just do your best; I’m sure it’ll be fine. The Crew’ll help.  
Ψ: Th-thankth?  
SS: _(Attempting nonchalance)_ You got options, you know. Don’t have to haul yourself down to the orphanage and pick out some scruffy-lookin’ urchin, if that ain’t your thing.  
Ψ: I, er, we hadn’t…  
SS: _(Not listening, lost in thought)_ Thought about doin’ that myself, before…gettin’ an older one, a real scrapper, been passed over a hundred times…give the kid a fightin’ chance, you know? A real family. Pay it forward, like. _(Shakes self out of reverie and pats Ψ’s shoulder; the mood relaxes)_  
Ψ: We haven’t gotten much further than the _idea_ that we’d like a kid, yet, in all honethty.   
SS: Nah, I get you. _(Releases Ψ’s shoulder and steps back)_ It’s a big decision!   
Ψ: The biggetht. _(Gulps, begins wringing hands)_ I gotta admit, I’m kinda nervouth. Like, really nervouth. Like, freaking out levelth of –  
SS: _(Dismissive)_ Ah, don’t sweat it, kid! _(Slaps Ψ‘s back)_ The two of you _together_ make a good team; you got your heads screwed on right. We trust you. Take some time with it. _(Reconsiders)_ Not _too_ much time, though.  
Ψ: You’re, ah, ankthiouth to be an uncle, huh?  
SS: _(Chuckles darkly)_ You could say that. Ain’t gettin’ any younger, y’know.  
 _With forced casualness, SS begins cleaning under his nails with an oversized knife; Ψ retreats a little ways back toward the door at the sight of it._  
SS: Don’t feel obligated, though, neither a’ you. Your life, your kid, your choice. _He jerks his chin in a sharp nod toward a pile of pamphlets on an end table._ Make it an informed one.  
 _Ψ picks up the pamphlets to examine them; they are variously covered with pictures of smiling children, airbrushed babies, and doting parents. SS puts his knife away and meanders over to stand next to Ψ again._  
SS: So, anyway. You boys’re gonna be the first of the Crew to have a kid; well done and all that. We’ll be behind you a hundred percent, what with the babysitting and all. And in return, there’s certain things related to child-rearing that we gotta get straight. _(Slings a firm arm around Ψ’s neck to draw him closer, forcing Ψ to crouch awkwardly, while gesturing expansively with other hand)_ Let me tell you how it’s gonna be.

-A LITTLE LATER-  
 _Interior of the club. CLUBS DEUCE is sitting at a table near the stage. THE ΨIIONIC stumbles in through the performers’ door and collapses onto the chair across from him._  
CD: Good evening! What’s up, hon?  
Ψ: _(Browbeaten)_ Apparently, we’re getting a dog? Very important to a child’th development, I’m told.   
CD: Oh! I guess we can’t stay in the apartment, then!

 

ACT THREE, SCENE TWO  
 _Interior of the apartment, morning. THE ΨIIONIC is sitting on the sofa, looking at his laptop. A little ways away, CLUBS DEUCE is perusing the newspaper with a highlighter in one hand. Both men are wearing button-up shirts and dress pants._  
Ψ: Lithten to thith one: “Five bedroomth, three car garage, bath-and-a-half on each floor, walk-in clothetth, rec room, mud room, working fireplathe, thentral air conditioning, granite countertopth in eat-in kitchen, newly refinished hardwood floorth throughout, finished bathement with built-in cherrywood bar, fully fenthed yard with beautiful mountain view…” What, no pool?  
CD: But why would we need a pool? We don’t swim that much!  
Ψ: Heh. Good point.  
 _They read in silence for a few more moments._  
Ψ: Damn, thethe pritheth. Remind me to thtart looking for a real job.  
 _Suddenly, CD discovers something in his newspaper; he reads it excitedly, circles it, folds down the corner, gets up, dances around, kisses the page, etc. silently in the background. Ψ continues his websurfing, oblivious._  
Ψ: Okay, I found a couple more platheth we can check out. I think our betht bet might be thith condo…  
 _CD rushes up to back of couch, extends arm over Ψ’s shoulder to hold the page in front of his face._  
Ψ: Or…or thith plathe! _(Pulls paper away from face so he can read it)_ Let’th thee…a half-acre plot? Who hath time to mow all that? _(Glances over shoulder and sees CD pouting, continues hurriedly)_ What elthe…oh, fully wired for cable, hell yeth…two car garage, nithe…walking distance from park, library, and thchool… _(Suddenly stops dead)_  
CD: What?  
Ψ: Shit, I forgot about thchool dithtrictth! _(Tosses paper aside into CD’s waiting hands, begins typing frantically on laptop)_  
CD: _(Waving ad)_ Don’t worry! I think this one’s supposed to be pretty good!  
Ψ: _(Slowly stops typing and gives up, smiling indulgently)_ I gueth maybe we aren’t cut out for a condo, after all. _(Leans back to lounge on back of couch and tilts head to look up at CD)_ To be honetht, I alwayth wanted to live in a houthe where I could paint thtripeth on the wallth. Outthide, I mean.  
CD: Vertical, or horizontal? 

 

ACT THREE, SCENE THREE  
 _Interior of a house, midafternoon. THE ΨIIONIC is typing sporadically on his laptop while CLUBS DEUCE lounges nearby on the sofa, throwing meaningful glances at him; eventually, he throws a pillow, which connects. Ψ looks up._  
Ψ: Hey! What was that for?  
CD: I demand ice cream!  
Ψ: _(Sighs, stands up and starts walking toward kitchen, ticking off points on his fingers)_ Firtht thing, why are _you_ getting thympathy pregnant? We uthed _my_ thperm!  
CD: That isn’t sounding like a sundae to me!  
Ψ: _(Retrieves perfectly-sized cooler from freezer)_ Thecondly, she liveth _acroth town!_ How do you even know what thymptoms to ekthhibit? It’s not like her hormoneth are influenthing you!  
CD: _(Overblown imperiousness)_ Silence! Bring me the tribute that is my due!  
Ψ: _(Grinning, stops to sketch a low bow)_ Yeth, my queen!  
CD: _(Dissolves into giggles briefly, then recovers)_ Don’t forget this time! I want hot fudge _and_ caramel!  
Ψ: _(Fakes being mildly affronted)_ I thuppothe I should be glad you don’t want pickleth with it, or we couldn’t share. _(Storms off in a simulated huff)_  
CD: _(Wrinkling nose)_ Pickles on ice cream? Ew! Who would want that?  
Ψ: Aargh! _(Storms off in a preemptively-purchased minivan)_

 

ACT THREE, SCENE FOUR  
 _Interior of a hospital. Both THE ΨIIONIC and CLUBS DEUCE arrive hurriedly, wearing thick winter coats layered with snow. They duck behind a door for a minute or two, then emerge into a small, relatively quiet room. The proud new fathers cradle a swaddled form, sharing looks of disbelief and delight. Several times, one of them tries to speak, only to find himself at a loss for words and revert to daft, helpless smiling once again._  
CD: _(Brushing flakes off Ψ’s scarf worriedly before handing over the baby)_ Are you sure he’s won’t get cold, with us all snowy like this?  
Ψ: He’th got like two blanketth on, and altho, he’th athleep. It’th fine. _(Picks up baby; his tone turns wondering)_ Oh my god, he’th tho _warm. (Anxious)_ And my handth are thtill cold, maybe I should put my gloveth back on –   
CD: No, no, it’s okay! Babies like skin contact, remember?  
 _They resort to cooing and silly faces for a few moments more._  
Ψ: _(Clearing throat)_ Okay, tho, like, we were waiting to give him a name, right?  
CD: Until we saw him, right?  
Ψ: Right.   
CD: Right!  
Ψ: Tho…  
 _They stare at the baby, considering; there is a long moment of silence, which grows increasingly awkward and silly._  
CD: …Any ideas?  
Ψ: Well, we ruled out “Junior”…  
CD: But he _does_ look like you!  
Ψ: _(Shudders)_ Agh, no. _(Protesting)_ He getth to be hith own perthon, we agreed!  
CD: How about “Sunlight?” Since he’s our _son_ and he’s the _light_ of our lives!  
Ψ: _(Knocks melting snow off his clothes meaningfully)_ Thunlight, hell, he wath born in a thtorm - _(Cuts himthelf off with a huff and considers thoughtfully)_ Well, I dunno. I mean, I like it! It’th not a _bad_ name, it’th cute, but it thounds kinda hippy-dippy to me. Can we at leatht put it in another language tho he doesn’t get teathed tho much? Like Greek or Latin or thomething? Maybe it’ll impreth collegeth.  
CD: Ooh, you’re right! Now’s the time to think ahead!  
 _They pause again for silent admiration._  
Ψ: _(Rising hysteria)_ Oh god, I think he’s got my ears, what if he’th got my lithp, he’th gonna get teathed _tho bad -_  
CD: _(Beaming with pride)_ Our baby is _perfect!_  
Ψ: _(Calms)_ Yeah. Yeah, he is.

 

ACT THREE, SCENE FIVE  
 _THE ΨIIONIC is pacing uneasily around the living room. There is a quiet knock on the door; he dives for it and yanks it open, revealing SPADES SLICK._  
Ψ: Hey, c’mon in. _(In hushed tones)_ You got the _thtuff?_  
SS: Yeah, yeah. Here you go.  
 _With a dramatic flourish, SS produces a family size bag of cheese chips. Ψ tosses SS a bill and grabs at the bag, frenzied, and attempts to open it with minimal crinkling. He stuffs a giant handful of chips in his mouth and chews as quietly as possible._  
Ψ: _(Blissfully)_ Mmmmm.  
 _Suddenly, CLUBS DEUCE speaks up from the kitchen._  
CD: Do I hear unauthorized snacking?  
Ψ: MMMFF!  
 _Ψ frantically attempts to shove the bag back into SS’s hands, chew, and swallow. CD enters the room, looking significantly chubbier from nine months of ice cream sundaes._  
CD: Oh! Hello! I didn’t hear you come in! _(Frowning)_ Darling, are those _your_ chips he’s holding?  
SS: _(Muttering)_ I _told_ you the single-serving bag would’ve been enough.  
 _Ψ elbows him surreptitiously before turning to face CD._  
Ψ: Uh. Who, me? Er, thethe, I mean, that ith…  
SS: Ah, c’mon kid, he knows I don’t eat this kind. You may as well own up. _(Pointing)_ He’s caught you orange-handed.  
 _Ψ hangs his head, looking ashamed in the face of CD’s reproachful glare. CD shakes a finger at SS._  
CD: And _you_ , are you helping him cheat?  
SS: Hey, he’s paying for it… _(Smirks)_ …in more ways than one.  
 _CD holds out a hand commandingly and the bag is dutifully handed over; he then drops it unceremoniously in a nearby trash can._  
CD: _(Satisfied)_ That’s enough of that! _(Brightly, to SS)_ Say, do you want to stay for lunch? We’re having organically-grown salad!  
Ψ: _(Muttering)_ Fifth time thith week…  
SS: Nah. Thanks, though. Say hi to the kiddo for me, hey? Shame y’can’t all come visit me, but that asthma’s no joke. _(Whaps Ψ’s shoulder on the way out)_ Keep in touch, pal. And good luck on that job search!   
CD: _(Waves cheerily)_ Maybe next time, then! _(Tugs Ψ’s arm)_ C’mon, lunch is ready!  
 _Ψ gives the trash can a final, longing look, and whimpers, before being dragged into the kitchen._

 

ACT THREE, SCENE SIX  
 _Interior of the living room, midmorning. THE ΨIIONIC is holding his cell phone to one ear while a cranky baby Sollux is tucked in the crook of one arm. Sometimes he shifts to hold the phone with his shoulder when he needs both hands free. His casual shirt is stained and rumpled; he looks short on sleep and sounds peeved. The VOICE on the other end of the phone is also upset._  
Ψ: Yeth, I know it’th due in a week. Yeth, I’m the project lead.  
V: -------?  
Ψ: _(Patiently)_ Like I told your thecratary two hourth ago, I’m taking thome thick time.  
V-------!  
Ψ: _(Instantly pissed-off)_ Of courthe – what do you mean, I don’t _thound_ thick?! It’th for my _kid,_ you inthenthitive jerk! _He’th_ thick!  
V: -----! ------------!!  
Ψ: _(Frostily)_ Need I remind you, I thtill have not taken my _federally-mandated_ allowed twelve weekth of unpaid leave, available anytime in the year following the birth or adoption of a child?  
V: --------! -----------!  
 _There’s a knock on the door._  
Ψ: _(Glances at door, shouts distractedly)_ Come in! _(Indignant, to phone)_ Well, I’ve got to thay, if the _only_ reathon you hired me inthtead of that other girl wath that you were worried she’d get pregnant, I’m gonna look her up _ekthprethly_ tho that both of uth can come laugh in your fathe.   
_HEARTS BOXCARS lets himself in._  
Ψ: _(Looking up)_ Oh, thank god, you’re here. _(Into phone)_ Listen, if I hear _one more word_ on thith thubject, I’m calling my lawyer. And if you give me any shit about _having_ a lawyer, I’m calling my lawyer! _(Offers HB a squirmy Sollux.)_ Here, Tolv, can you take him?  
HB: _(Shaking his head)_ Nah, you keep ‘im. _(Plucks phone from Ψ’s grasp)_ Go siddown. _(Raises voice into phone)_ SO THIS IS THE GUY WHAT’S BEEN GIVIN’ YOU GRIEF, EH?!?  
V----?!?  
 _Ψ grins, and absconds to the couch._

-A SHORT WHILE LATER-  
HB: -AN’ DON’T YOU FORGET IT! _(Turns off phone with satisfaction and walks into next room to drop it on the couch next to Ψ)_  
Ψ: Thankth for that. _(Flops head against back of couch)_ Ugh, I have _got_ to find thomeplathe with a better work-from-home polithy. Otherwithe, I thwear, one of thethe dayth I’m gonna walk out during a fire drill and jutht never go back.  
HB: So why _ain’t_ you taken that family leave yet? I know you been thinkin’ ‘bout it.  
Ψ: _(Regards snoozing Sollux with besotted expression)_ Eh, I was kinda thinkin’ I’d do NaNoWriMo thith year, for real thith time. _(Looks up at HB)_ I mean, I’ve read tho much _bad_ fiction lately, you know? It’th like, “my god, do the rethearch!”  
HB: _(Encouragingly)_ Yeah, you could do miles better’n that “bestsellin’” trash.  
Ψ: _(Shyly looks at Sollux again)_ And also, I thought I could give Deuthe a nithe prethent that way? I know he liketh thpy novelth…   
HB: You got that right! He’s all _over_ that kinda stuff! Kinda odd fer a guy who’s so straightforward alla time.  
Ψ: _(Protesting mildly)_ No, no, it’th good! Thtraightforward ith _fine_. It’th peatheful. _(Pets Sollux’s hair)_ Anyhow, I feel bad, alwayth giving him the latetht program I’ve been working on. It’th jutht not the thame, you know? He doeth really awethome prethentth. I wanna give him thomething worth getting, for onthe.  
HB: I think it’s a great idea! He won’t hear ‘bout it from me, I promise!  
Ψ: _(Hefts Sollux, heads toward nursery)_ Anyhow, I figured the little guy will have calmed down by then – about sikth monthh, yeah?  
HB: _(Nods sagely, follows him down hall)_ Yeah, they’re darlin’s ‘round then. Won’t last, though, so… _(Waggles finger at Ψ)_ …better write fast!  
 _Ψ grins, ducking through the doorway to deposit Sollux in his crib, which is flanked by plush toys. Every shelf in the room holds at least one more; the giant stuffed bear sits guarding the door. The bee is noticeably absent._  
Ψ: _(Quietly, so as not to wake Sollux)_ Don’t worry. I got it all planned out.   
HB: _(Interested)_ Yeah? How’s it gonna go?  
Ψ: _(Excitedly, but still trying to keep quiet)_ It’th gonna be great! It’th like _The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo_ , only more futurithtic, and it’th a guy... _(Tapers off, shrugs sheepishly)_ They thay to write what you know, right?  
HB: _(Hopefully)_ You gonna put any kissin’ in it?  
Ψ: _(Considers)_ …For you, I will!  
 _They walk back down the hall toward the living room, still talking._  
HB: Hey, now I got another reason to look forward to it! An’ I think we know some folks in publishing who could be “convinced” to give it a look, y’know? A few good reviews would help sales. You thinkin’ of doing an e-book only release to start, or maybe a limited first print run?  
Ψ: _(Flustered)_ Er…yeah, come to think of it, that _would_ be a better gift than jutht thticking a bow on the thumb drive… I gueth I could do a couple copieth at the thelf-print kiothk? _(Shrugs)_ Honethtly, I wathn’t planning to “releathe” it at _all_.  
HB: _(Slaps Ψ on the back)_ Naw, you ain’t thinkin’ big enough! We’ll get you all set up with a vanity press or somethin,’ get a few copies out to the right people, and you just sit back and wait for sales to skyrocket and contract offers to start pourin’ in.   
Ψ: I think you’re being kind of unrealithtic here…  
HB: Just remember, if they try to get you into a movie deal, make sure you run it by us, first.  
Ψ: _(Overwhelmed, spluttering) M-movie?!?_ Why? You wanna be in it?  
HB: _(His excitement looks a lot like CD’s)_ Oh man! Can I?  
Ψ: _(Gives up)_ Yeah, why not. _(Looks HB up and down, considering.)_ Hmm. It’d probably be jutht a cameo, tho I’ll make sure to write in a bunch of partth for nameleth thugth. You do a good loom, it’d look cool on camera. _(HB mugs a menacing face; Ψ snickers.)_ Yeah, you got the chopth for acting for sure.  
HB: Man, now I _really_ can’t wait to read it! _(Jerks thumb back toward nursery)_ Incidentally, it looks like someone went a little overboard with the stuffed animals for the kid there, hey?  
Ψ: _(A short burst of hysterical laughter)_ AhhahaHAHah! _(Calms himself)_ Yeah, “overboard” ith a good way of putting it. _(Flops down on sofa and pulls laptop onto lap, grinning)_ Might ath well work on my outline while I’m feeling inthpired, hey? _(Chuckles)_ Who knowth, maybe thoon I’ll be leaving thith life of wage thlavery behind for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the rest, as they say, is [somebody else’s fanart.](http://urbananchorite.tumblr.com/post/46289106417/tentaclabia-sticksandsharks-movies-featuring) Hey, don’t look at me. I’d already decided to name him “Mitt” before that piece even started circulating. It just gave me something else to work in. I imagine HB got a part as the nameless thug who delivers the initial “meet with me at this party tonight about a matter of grave importance OR ELSE” message to the hero; the part was intended to be silent, but his last minute ad-lib made the scene a fan favorite, launching both countless parodies and the singing telegram franchise that licenses his image.
> 
> You can pretend it’s short for “Tolliver” if you like. I just needed a name-sounding word that meant the same as his original name. (They’re from a big family, aren’t they?) Jack already had a name-name, and, yes, I had to look up “droog.”
> 
> You may have noticed that Clubs Deuce does not “say;” he “questions” or “exclaims.” I’m as surprised as you are that he turned out to be such a master manipulator! I didn’t know he had it in him until I wrote it. Maybe all those spy novels rubbed off on him! Several times, I looked back and said, “Did he just do that on purpose?” But so long as there’s any doubt whatsoever, he gets away with it. The perfect crime…of passion!


End file.
